This was me playing with repetition. Also, the short images used by Beckman were intriguing, so I wanted to play with that too. I was too scared to share it last night, after how good everyone elses poems were, but here it is.
We're Swimming
___
Your long legs
Like push pops
Sweaty swingsets
The sun rising; combusting
Your father's loveseat
Your father's countenance
That long countenance
It doesn't really say anything
It writes folk songs
It wears flower in it's hair
It holds mixing bowls right to it's cheek
So it can hear it's heart beat
The painful heartbeat counts
The footsteps of it's tenants
It listens to the fuzzy
scalp of an earthworm
Embarrasingly ignorant of the painful earthworm
Swimming in the rain
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I like the title "We're swimming." The title seems to indicate that the speaker is someone who participates but while reading the poem I feel that the speaker is more of an observing kind. That little contradiction is compelling.You have a strong opening too. The simile with the push pops is funny. I also very much like the lines: "It holds mixing bowls right to its cheek so it can here its heart beat." I picture a sensitivity so strong that it even involves dead things. The part with the earth worm confuses me. Who is this earthworm? Is being an earthworm something good or bad? I want more clues.
ReplyDeleteNice poem, Nathan, and nice comments, Elina! I'm also struck by the earthworm, but I like him! That second-to-last line seems a bit descriptor-heavy (embarrassingly ignorant...painful) -- I'd like to see it sticking more to nouns and verbs -- but I think the energy is here, in these tight lines.
ReplyDeleteCopyeditor note: "it's" is a contraction; "its" is the possessive.
These are good short images, and I like this poem overall. One global suggestion: can you locate the scene more? Part of how Beckman gets away with his super-compressed poems is by locating them clearly in a particular scene. I don't see all this happening in a swimming pool, or the ocean -- where are we?
I'm going to miss all this After Hours goodness! But you'll have a blast next term, no doubt.